WTF Alert: There is a Religious Version of 50 Shades of Grey

Because I’m not a 50-year-old Kohl’s shopper living in the Midwest, I’m not suffering from the 50 Shades of Grey hysteria gripping the nation. I mean…not really–you know how I feel about Dakota “Alf” Johnson and her dismal hair. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to see it–a naked Jamie Dornan is better than nothing, no? However, if you find yourself cringing and clutching your pearls at the very mention of Ana and Christian, then there’s a G-rated alternative.

Columbia Pictures Presents Marie Antoinette At The New York Film Festival

Evan Agostini/Getty Images

It’s called Old Fashioned and it’s being billed as the “anti-50 Shades” and will premiere the same day, Valentine’s Day 2015, as a film for people who want a wholesome movie experience. Pfft, losers.

“I wanted to tell a love story that takes the idea of Godly romance seriously,” says writer/director/star Rik Swartzwelder.”A story that, without apology, explores the possibility of a higher standard in relationships; yet, is also fully aware of just how fragile we all are and doesn’t seek to heap guilt upon those of us that have made mistakes.”

Quite frankly I stopped reading after the word “Godly,” but tell me, does this bondage-less flick sound remotely appealing to you? Or would seeing it be your own personal red room of pain, and not in a good way?

COMMENTS

  1. Bobby Said:

    Thank you for your condescension. Us “loser” religious folk wouldn’t know how backwards our attitudes towards sex and relationships are unless “liberated” people like you told us.

  2. 24yearold Said:

    I would rather watch that then 50 shades. I am no way religious. I believe there is a God but do not have a religion. Never read the book, flipped through it and found it repulsive. Do not understand the whole hype that came with the book. But in all honesty don’t think I’ll watch either movie. If I was forced to watch one, I wouldn’t watch 50shades.

  3. Jenn Said:

    This post was difficult to read, I understand that the “gossip girl” character is writing these posts but making fun of religious people or religious beliefs was never on gossip girl. Its not necessary to insult people if they don’t agree with your definition of a good film. Why is the film labeled as something for “losers” because its a “Godly romance” and “wholesome.”?

  4. Clover Said:

    This isn’t even Gossip Girl anymore… I’m religious and loved the show- Gossip Girl was never like this

  5. Nonny Said:

    Ok not everybody is going to watch 50 Shades but we can’t judge if the movies is good or not without watching it ! also I think the idea of making a more “RELIGIOUS” move and premiere it o the same day of 50 Shades is absurd.. Religion and art are two different things !!!!
    BTW I LOLed at Dakota’s hair comment :)

  6. rhea Said:

    i think the movie will go to waste. with today’s generation. i doubt that the anti-50 shades will be a block buster. i think it would be a waste of time and money of everyone that’ll be involved in the movie.

    #justsayin

  7. kobaloski Said:

    Maybe you should start shopping at Kohls … I’ve seen how you dress and you could use some help.

  8. TVAnnie Said:

    I’m not overly religious, nor am I at all interested in seeing 50 Shades of Grey, so what does that mean? Am I a prude? I do live in the midwest, but I don’t shop at Kohl’s and only wear my pearls for special occasions. Perhaps reducing non-fans to a stereotype is not the best way to come up with a witty reply to the planned anti-50 movie. Better yet, why not see both movies before telling us which is worth seeing? Perhaps, neither film will be worth watching.

  9. NoAla Said:

    Why always the condescension with people who believe in God? There is nothing wrong with a Godly romance. I am afraid this generation is going to suffer from a serious let down when they realize that things are not as they are portrayed in the media. That instant gratification isn’t the end all be all. I read 50 shades and found most of it to be less than believable as far as love scenes are concerned. I’m all for spicing it up, but hardly anyone wants to have sex that much. I mean, come on!

  10. megan Said:

    No one will watch that dumb ass “anti 50 shades” movie. It will not be a hit, its a complete waste of time. Stupid annoying religious people. LOL

  11. Steve Said:

    By the sounds of it, more people NEED God, and a hardy dose of reality.
    Wow, Stupid and Annoying Religious people. Yes, some “Religious” people
    are, But Godly people (those who have a relationship with God)know the truth, and the truth is, Jesus died
    for all of us. I ask, deep down inside, “Would YOU die to save anyone’s
    life?
    Would I go see this so called “Anti 50 shades” movie? Yes I would.

  12. Lindsey Said:

    I would definitely see Old Fashioned! Sounds refreshing no matter your beliefs!

  13. Cindy Said:

    Stopped reading at “losers”. Pfft, loser.

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