Break out the kale chips (and make sure they’re organic), because it’s time to party Gwyneth Paltrow-style! The mother of Apple and Moses (yes, those are real names) threw a high-end gathering at the home she and Chris Martin once shared, for her son Moses’s 8th birthday. Gwyneth, who continues to Instagram how wonderful her life is post-separation with the Coldplay musician, adorned the entrance to her house with balloons that spelled out M-O-S-E-S in an effort to drum up excitement for attendees.
Balloons? Come on, GOOP, even commoners don’t get thrilled by balls of helium. At the very least, there could have been a menagerie of endangered species that you had somehow rescued to write about on your pretentious blog.
Once inside, I hear from my spies that guests played in a bounce house and were entertained by a magician. Shockingly for the organic evangelist, there was even a hot dog truck! The children and their parents partied into the mid hours of the afternoon. Her ex’s band, incidentally, did not perform.
There was a time when I thought that there was nothing more boring than a child’s birthday party, but I must amend that thought: There is nothing more boring than a child’s birthday party hosted by Gwyneth Paltrow. Wouldn’t you so much rather attend an event thrown by Chris Martin, the other half to Gwyneth’s consciously uncoupled couple? News flash: The answer is still no.
That’s correct, minions: the only children’s birthday parties worth attending are those of royalty. I certainly have taught you well.